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i can be a bitchy, opinionated person, but the other thing is, i’m pretty passive aggressive. if someone’s annoying me, i might be rude to them (like purposely bump into them if they’re checking their cell phone while walking and not paying attention …), but i rarely confront random people because of their actions. the other day i decided to change that.

I was on the bus (where most annoying injustices occur), and this lady was sitting up in front, a few seats away from me. the front seats are supposed to be reserved for “seniors, and persons with disabilities,” and she was probably a senior, so whatever. the thing was, she had a heap of bags taking up the seat next to her. on an uncrowded bus, i do this all the time, so i don’t have to put my stuff on the floor, but this particular bus was becoming more and more crowded, and she didn’t move them. then, an older man got on, looking like he could hardly pull himself up the bus steps - and that hanging on to the handrail instead of sitting down might be the end of him. the lady didn’t volunteer to move her stuff, so he kindly asked her to do so. she got all huffy and proceeded to take FOR-EV-ER to pull her precious packages off the seat. when she finally had a few down, and was in the process of removing the last, the man sat gingerly on the edge of the seat - not trying at all to sit all the way back against her bags, but just enough, i’m guessing, to be able to give his body a rest. the woman pushed against his back, and flipped out - accusing him of wanting to sqash her stuff, and abruptly said, “EXCUSE ME, i’m not DONE.”

so i spoke up. i said, all he wants to do is just sit down. she got even more defensive and said, i was just trying to move my stuff. i know my rights, i am ALLOWED to have stuff on that seat. i replied and said, he’s supposed to be able to sit there and it’s just not fair that you would take a seat for yourself and a seat for your bags (or something to that effect). then she launched into this speech about how she was a lawyer, and she “wished she had her business cards on her,” and she knew she HAD THE RIGHT.” now, i don’t know how someone could be so mean and bitchy that they would actually get pissed about having to move their bags so an OLD MAN could sit down (it’s not like she even had to give up her seat)! but the cool thing was, everyone around me started to back me up. i bet six or eight people chimed in about how they couldn’t believe what she was doing, and how it wasn’t right that she should get TWO seats.

in the scheme of the universe, it was kind of a small victory. but, it was such a great feeling to know that i had SAID what all these people were thinking - and i think i’ll start doing it more often. awful people like that, who have gone through their lives doing rotten things, deserve to know that in general, society doesn’t agree with their behavior - and sometimes all it takes is one voice.

oh - and as i got up to get off at my stop, the crazy, angry lady - who was probably the same age as my grandmother - kicked me a few times in the shins as i made my way out of the bus. i just let it go, it was so petty. maybe she IS a lawyer …

my parents are moving - where, i can’t say (military rules), but suffice it to say, they’re not going to be super-close by. don’t get me wrong, i’m SO excited for them and for this next step in our family’s life, since eventhough i’m on my own, i’m still affected by my family, of course. but the impending change got me thinking about my family’s dynamic.

as i’ve gotten older, i think i’ve become more attached to my family. when i graduated highschool i was more than ready to cut the apron strings, and happily went out-of-state to college. it only took one summer spent at home before i made college my new home, and was happily living in that vicinity year-round (minus holidays, of course). military life has made our family relationship extremely strong, but also further forged our independent personalities. i really never thought i’d care about spending lots of time with my parents. being together at holidays has always been important to us, since german and swedish tradition is still heavily incorprated into our lives. i knew we’d always be a close family, but that we wouldn’t be close, geographically, and that didn’t really bother me. until a couple years ago.

now, i don’t want to live next door to my parents, or even necesarily in the same town, or even state, although there would be something to be said for being able to go visit over the weekend. or see a ballet with my mom. or take my sister to the quirky places in my city i know she’d love. i just like having the ability to see them often. every few months would be nice, though not really do-able, but i definately want to be around them more than once a year.

this is something ryan always has given me a hard time for. i talk to my family at least once a week, i see them on a semi-regular basis, yet, i’d love to see them more. he doesn’t really “get” that. his family has a much different dynamic, and he relates to them differently for a lot of reasons - a big one, i think, is that he went away and lived in italy for three years right out of highschool. but something ryan articulated for me last night, after thinking about this move and what it means for me, is that my family is my sanctuary. besides ryan, they’re the only people i feel really GET me. i can be my true self around them because they know all my weird quirks and inside jokes. we have the same sense of humor and we share all those things you “get from your parents” - good and bad. in general, they are the only people i completely count on.

that’s not the case for ryan, for a number of reasons. not to say his family doesn’t have a good relationship, it’s just … different. and i’m not sure many people would say they have a family dynamic like i do - i know for many people it’s the opposite, and family is a big cause of strife. i’m FAR from saying my family is perfect, but they’re the best family for me - although it took me 20-some years to realize that. what i am saying is, eventhough i’m grown up, i don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to be close (geographically) to my family, or see them often.

ryan says he’s noticed that people who grow up and still live in the same place, close to family, have a harder time growing as a person because they’re still in their comfort zone, and you know what they say about growing and comfort zones. i say that’s probably true. i think, even if you LOVE where you grew up and really want to stay there, it couldn’t hurt to set a year or two or three aside and go somewhere completely different. just to try something new. but that’s just me - i have a thing for change.

so back to my family … i’ve been away from them for a while now, i’ve definitely done some growing, and i couldn’t really live near them even if i wanted to - since they still move every year or two. i think it’s all that, that’s led to my current sentiments about them. i am obsessed with change, but maybe i can be that way because i have a family that is rock steady.

people always comment on how weird it is that i’m married - because i’m so commitment-phobic. it’s true. i hate deciding to wear a hat, because i hate the thought that once i put it on, my hair will be messed up, and i’ll be committed to wearing that hat all day. it’s also true that i’m a little crazy. but my fear of commitment spans beyond my choice of head-wear.

one of my greatest fears is that i’ll get comfortable somewhere - in a job, a city, a lifestyle - and wake up one day, 20 years later, not having done all the things i wanted to do. so i have a HARD time commiting to a job, or a place i’m living, even if i REALLY love everything about my life circumstances. this is the case now. we’ve been here for almost a year and i’m already thinking about where i want to go next - not because i’m not happy here (i AM!!), but because i want there to be a “next.” i don’t plan on staying here forever. as far as my job goes, i’m six months in and it’s the first job where i haven’t actively been seeking out something else within the first few months.

i blame this, largely, on my military upbringing. i’ve never lived anywhere longer than three years, and that’s on the high end. the average was more like two years. i can’t imagine what it’s like to have grown up in the same place with the same friends and the same schools. sometimes, i start looking around (to move, switch jobs, careers, whatever) because i think there’s something better out there. but usually, it’s just because i know there’s something *else* out there. this can be good, because i’m always pushing myself to find that next step and to continue to grow. it can also be bad. i don’t want to live a life where i’m never content, not fully able to enjoy what i’ve been given. somehow, i have to find a balance between the two.

the combination of being a military brat and a commitment-phobe has meant something else, too. i don’t really have roots, i definitely don’t have a place i call home, and i only have a few “childhood” friends - and even they are technically from highschool and not “childhood.” surprisingly, this doesn’t bother me. i used to freak out at the thought that there would come a day when i’ll have to decide where i want to live FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. then i realized, my parents are in their 50’s and they still haven’t “settled down” - there’s nothing that says i have to. and right now i’m not planning to. of course there might be that perfect circumstance where something clicks and i change my mind. but the way i look at it now, there’s no way i can see and do everything i want, live everywhere i want, accomplish everything i want, if one day i have to “settle down.”

so when people comment on the irony that i have such a problem with commitment and yet am married, i tell them i used up all my commitment-making ability on that one decision, and now i’m out. probably for the rest of my life.

(Feb 1, 2007)

I’ve always said one of the reasons I need to be on a coast is because I love the water and can’t stand being land locked. Then people point out – you don’t live on the beach, you can’t see it from where you are, and you don’t go all that often. All that is true – but for me that never really mattered. Knowing it was there was always good enough for me.

But now, another one of the randomly wonderful aspects of my work is, it’s on the Embarcadero, right across from the water. I ride the train right under the Bay Bridge and along the marina every morning. I take this for granted. I know that because I’d been doing this routine for about 5 months before it really dawned on me just how perfect this situation was. This was my ideal. Boiled down, this was one of the reasons why I moved back to California (although I knew I should never have left!), and into San Francisco. To be in such a perfect city.

So I’ve been trying to really focus on how lucky I am every morning, when my cross-city commute takes me through some of the most beautiful (non-vacation) landscape ever. I see a picturesque downtown as I walk to the metro every morning – the highrises, the amazing architecture, even the americorp building. Then when my train pops up from underground on the Embarcadero I go right by one of my coolest sculptures ever – a crazy huge bow and arrow made to look like it’s crashing into the ground. Then there’s the bridge, the mini-park, the boats parked in the marina, the palm trees.

Today as I thought about it all, I actually got a little teary-eyed. I am SO lucky. And sometimes I don’t live in the moment enough to really taste that. I have the most amazing job, at the most unbelievably cool company - which I randomly fell into before I could even realize what an opportunity it was. I live somewhere that I’m actually excited about and proud of (if you can be proud of a place you live). It’s been a long time since I felt that way.

I think some people just have places written on their hearts. Since I didn’t like Colorado, it was really hard for me to understand how people could be so in love with it. But I can’t judge them if that’s where they feel drawn to be. All I knew was I just didn’t have “that feeling” about it. (my anchors – who had been gone from CO for a while – once said that they just couldn’t stay away. I remember thinking, “are you kidding me? Whenever I go visit somewhere else, I cry when I have to get on the plane to come back here!” And I really did cry.)

Now I have the “feeling” again – and I don’t expect it to be the last time I do. There are a lot of cities out there with a lot to offer, and I plan to live in a lot of them. For now though. I’m going to do something that’s tough for me – try and focus on tasting the moment I’m living in now.