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i came across this post on one of my favorite blogs, violent acres - it summed up exactly how i’ve been feeling and what i’ve been thinking lately. the basic gist of it is that while being able to “choose our destiny,” or “choose the path that makes us happy,” or “follow our bliss” or “find our true calling” sounds like a great opportunity, it can really be quite maddening.

the author talks about how, when she became self-employed, she felt completely overwhelmed with the possibility that she could literally do WHATEVER SHE WANTED. that’s the american dream, but it’s also a debilitating feeling.

this is probably part of the reason why i’m trying to get another “real” job, as opposed to continuing along the freelancing road. i could take my freelancing in any direction i wanted and that’s part of the problem. i feel like i haven’t been very successful at creating direction for myself and honing my “business” into something i truly enjoy doing. it has, however, helped me figure out what i DON’T enjoy doing.

and maybe that counts for more than i think.

so as i wrote a few posts back, lately i’ve been feeling the itch to do something new (i know, i know, as if traveling asia for nearly three months wasn’t good enough …). now, there’s a semi-opportunity arising and i’m finding it hard to remain neutral about it. a couple weeks ago i felt like yes, i wanted SOME sort of change but i wasn’t sure WHAT exactly - and i was kind of ambivilent about what it was, when it happened etc.

now, as this one opportunity has arisen and i continue to take steps toward it, i’m finding it hard to remain patient. this isn’t surprising to  me - it’s what i always do. i’m not a patient person, and when i “get a bee in my bonnet” (as my mom would say) about something, i want it to have happened YESTERDAY. i was - and still am - trying to ensure that doesn’t happen this time. that kind of mentality - while often motivational for me - has often led me to do things i’m less-than-thrilled about later on down the line. or things i realize i wasn’t that passionate about in the first place.

so for now, i want to remain happily dispassionate about the potential for a new opportunity (one i’ve actually looked forward to for much of my adult life, yet hadn’t seriously considered till now because i never felt the timing was right) until such a time when passion is justified and required. that doesn’t mean i want to be passive in pursuit of a dream, but rather that i don’t want to fall into the “over-eager” trap i’ve created for myself so many times before.

the good news is i’m at a time in my life where i truly would be happy either way. i’d be happy to go in this new direction, yet i’m also thrilled with the way i’m able to live my life now.

i need to remind myself of these things and stay in that “happy either way” spot until plans are cemented and decisions are made - which i know will be incredibly difficult for me!

so as i said, i’ve been musing to myself for the past few months, about what my job has become and where i wanted to go from here (which was how i got to the freelance thing). i mentioned i was going to start posting some stuff about my internal struggle and observations once i actually left my job. Well, i am a few days shy of my last day but i decided to start posting away anyway. i guess you could say i’m bitter and i really just don’t care any more.  any respect and love that i still had for this company (in spite of deciding it just wasn’t for me) is pretty much gone after this week.

Before i go on, that’s not to say i don’t love the *idea* of Current TV, because i do. it drew me in a year ago when i was burnt out from network news and i believed in the vision of making a product that people in my age group will love and identify with. something made by them, something that discusses things they care about, something vastly different from anything else out there.  and i still believe in that.  i believe that’s the vision of our wonderful chairman and CEO, both of whom i still have the utmost respect for.  but i believe the company is ruining a good thing but how they treat their people.  you can’t keep truly good people if you treat them poorly, and you can’t keep a good product without good people.

That being said, here goes.  something we’ve been assured over and over wouldn’t happen, is happening.  we’re moving to LA. not our whole company (not yet, though i’m sure that’s the eventual plan), but for now, my department.  now in all actuality, i shouldn’t care less b/c i’m leaving anyway and this just further validates my decision.  aside from the fact i’ve heard several times, straight from my bosses’ (and even our CEO’s) mouth that we will not be moving, here it is. this has been a bone of contention with in the company for as long as i’ve been here. about half of the people moved up from LA to take their jobs here, and have been bitter about it ever since. a lot of those people are managers and so, i think, have been trying to do something about it from day one.

it’s not just that they’re going back on their word. it goes so far beyond that. they’re moving the department in three weeks.  that’s not even long enough to give notice in your apartment here, if you were to decide to leave - on the off chance you were on a month-to-month lease (and not like me, who has a lease until January)!  they’re volunteering several thousand in re-location expenses, but that’s still unrealistic. and how can you find a place you’ll know you want to live in, in three weeks (while you’re working full time, 700 miles away)?  they’re not offering corporate housing, raises, bonuses, promotions - no incentives. basically it’s “decide in three weeks to change your ENTIRE life, with absolutely no benefit, or be without a job.”

now, if that were *truly* the case, they’d be obligated to pay some sort of severance. but if the above is any guide, i’m almost certain that won’t happen. they’ll find some shit job to give to the people who decide not to go, so when they turn it down,  the company won’t owe then anything. sure, it’s legal, but really, really awful.

and the other thing - two of the girls in my department have been here almost since day one.  they’ve gone two years without promotions, raises, incentives, anything (b/c apparently that’s how this place rewards you for a job well done). They’re two of the people who have been here the longest and worked the hardest - and the company would rather SEE THEM GO (and not have any safety net - three weeks isn’t enough to find another job!) than offer them anything in return for their potential sacrifice in uprooting themselves to move for a job.  not only is that bad PR, and bad employee relations, that’s bad business!  how much will it cost to search for new people and train them? not to mention there will be HUGE downtime in the department b/c we’ll all be gone and unable to train, answer questions, etc. how is that a better situation?

this is all obviously really, unbelievably crappy, but the other thing that makes me sad is that this company is so young, has so many great people working for it, has so much creativity - it could really be something amazing. and maybe in spite of it all, it will be.  but even now, when i talk about this station to other people in the news biz who live in the area, *they* mention how they’ve already heard the very things i’m complaining about here.  the word is already getting out.  and it’s sad, b/c not many people know about Current - it’s not a household name yet.  but if it is, in some cases, it already has a negative stigma attached to it.  And that’s really sad - as a company, it could be anything it wanted to be. there’s no bureaucracy to answer to, no red tape yet.

while i will always maintain that Current is a good idea, i will never encourage people to work here, watch it, or contribute.  true, i am only one person and i’m not on any type of crusade - it just bums me out to know the station could be awesome - but instead, through their actions and decisions, they’re choosing to be something very different.

I finally did it. I quit my job. I couldn’t be happier.  granted, i still have about three weeks left till i’m officially unemployed, but i’m so psyched, excited and optimistic about what this will mean for me.

i know, it might come as kind of a surprise after my previous fawning over my  job and declaring how i *did* want to be a corporate business woman. well, a lot has happened, and my attitude has changed a lot since those postings.  in part toward my company - although i still really do believe what in what it’s doing and think it will be a catalyst for change - but mainly toward my job, and the rest of my life.

i’ve been writing about this a lot, just not on my blog - lest somehow someone from my work accidentally stumble upon it before i had made my severance official. i’ll post those entries at some point in the future (probably after i’m actually gone), but the basic jist of it is that i am not a desk person.  this has been my first real desk job, and it has come to really grate on me in these past four months or so. i couldn’t imagine the rest of my life spent this way - even if i did climb the ladder, have more authority and more reign to do what i wanted. i couldn’t imagine that for the rest of my life, my “life” would be someone else’s property.   i realized that if a company as basically good as the one i’m at (although of *course* not with out its flaws - and i’ll post more on that later) couldn’t satisfy me, i would never be happy to work for someone else, and give them my time, my life. for what? in exchange for two weeks of PTO a year? i work weekends, nights, 12 hour days … blahblahblah … and i get TEN DAYS in exchange?!!  now i’m ranting - and it’s not a rant necesarily against my place of employment, but more against corporate America in general.  i may sound cliche - as i’m by no means the first to realize this - but it was stealing my soul.

i think that as more and more people in my generation come to the realization i have, the face of the corporate world will be forced to change to a certain extent. or at least i hope it does, for the sake of the people trapped inside.  we were brought up to know what we want and go for it, to demand nothing less than perfection from ourselves *and* our employers.

anyway, back to my original theme of it being a lot of work to be unemployed.  it’s probably obvious from my above tirade that i will not be proffering my soul to another company.  i’m going to be a freelance writer, and while i know that sounds ambitious (and also kind of cliche) i have high hopes for the future.  it’s been so much work to get to this point, because i wanted to be at a relatively good financial spot with freelance work, before i just jumped without a safety net. so i’ve been working my ass off, getting blogging jobs, article writing jobs, PR jobs, publicist jobs, researching jobs, and on and on.  i’ve been working on the weekends, at night, over my lunch break, and before i go to work in the morning to try and make this happen.  right now i’m not in love with all the jobs i’m doing, but for now they’ll pay the bills and i can refine as i go along, have more time, and become more experienced at the game.

back in the day, the reason i got into journalism was to write. and as the years have gone on, i’ve gotten further and further away from the writing aspects of my jobs until now i have absolutely no writing duties at my current job.  true, that gave me more ability to write in my spare time, but i’ve always wanted my passion to be my job, not my hobby. so that’s the road i’m going down.

i’ve enjoyed my day jobs for the most part - a few years ago i couldn’t imagine doing anything but producing news - but for now they’ve run their course.  i know myself well enough and am not naive enough to think this is it for me.  i won’t be surprised if in a year or two, i’m off to try something new, but at least i will have given this a try - which is what i’ve said about almost everything i’ve done.

ryan’s quit his job also and we have great plans for this next phase in our life.  we’re going to enjoy the sunny days instead of watching them go by from our desks.  we’re going to work from wherever the hell we want to, whenever the hell we want to - at 10 am or 3 am. we’re going to live in japan with my parents for a few months.  then maybe try house swapping (we still want to keep our home base) so we can live in some of our dream cities - new york, london.  who. frikkin. knows.  and if you know me, then you know that those three words make all these sense in the world to me.

so, like i mentioned, i’ve been doing some freelance work.  one place i moonlight is waaaaay out in the boonies of the city - it takes me like an hour to get there. i’ll go out there for a couple hours after i’ve already put in 8 hours at my day job - so needless to say when i’m coming home, it’s pretty late.  fortunately there are two busses (i thought) that run as close as door-to-door as i’m going to get at 9 or 10 pm.  last week i found out there is really only *one* bus that does said door-to-door running - and it’s not the one i initially got on.  i took one bus out to this place, and i went ahead and took the same bus back when i was finished.  only problem is … it stops going as far as i need it to, once it gets past, like 7pm.  after 7, it stops in Seedy McSketchy-ville.

when we got to this point, and the bus driver kicked us all off, i briefly thought of just staying on the bus, riding it back to a safer area, getting off there and catching another bus or a cab.  then i realized, most of the area that bus drives through are sketchy. i’d have to ride it halfway back to where i’d been freelancing before i felt safe getting off in a neighborhood i didn’t know at 10 pm.

i was at least familiar with the area where i had to get off. ironic thing is, it’s actually closer, blocks-wise, to my apartment than the stop i was going to get off at.  but walking home west to east is sketchier than walking home east to west.   that’s just how it is.  one block you’re in a ritzy shopping district, the next, you’re being ushered into a porno store by a homeless crack addict.  not kidding.

so there i was - in ghetto-town, 10 pm, on the corner of meth junkie and crack whore, tall, white, blonde and alone. i wasn’t ABOUT  to walk the (mere) 6 blocks back to my building through that mess. so it took me about .25 seconds to decide to take a cab. well, since meth junkies and crack addicts aren’t known for their common use of cabs, there’s not a WHOLE lot going thru those parts.  thank GOD there was a tiny little donut shop on the corner that’s open 24 hours. i went in there to be partially safe, and call a cab.  while i was on hold with the cab company, i saw a couple taxis go by, so i decided to walk out to the bus stop and try to hail a cab from there.

after a couple seconds i got one to pull over, but he wouldn’t let me in. he asked me where i was going, and when i told him, he refused to take me.  the problem was you can’t turn toward the direction of my apartment from the street he was on - he would have had to circle the block, instead of making a direct turn. he was like, ” go walk down to X street, and catch one there.” the whole POINT of getting a cab was to avoid certain death by walking ANYWHERE.  i told him i didn’t care, he could circle the block, and tried to open the door. then, i SHIT YOU NOT, he DROVE THE FUCK AWAY!  i’m SO not even kidding. i’m a BLONDE, well dressed girl in the middle of the ghetto!  i would’ve paid you double just to let me get in the fucking cab!! but aside from that, it should have been obvious i was in distress!

so anyway, a minute later i hailed another cab, who took me around the block and didn’t bitch at all.  i looked up the website of the first cab company so i could leave feedback, but no such luck.  guess i’ll have to call my complaint in - those bitches are gonna get an earful.

Since i work in TV, and - contrary to popular belief - therefore make a relative pittance, and because I have a spa/clothing/shoe/travel addiction, I’ve been doing some freelance work.  now, like any good 20-something in a big city, i manage to get most of my jobs off of craigslist. so, since things like craigslist exist, i’m sending my resume out online, and i haven’t used a typewriter since i was a kid, i’m forced to believe it’s sometime in the 21st centry. how then, can lines like this one still exist?:

Women and persons of color are encouraged to apply.  

Really?  i mean, the job sounded so complicated, i figured only a man could do it, but then i saw this empathetic note, and wow, now i really feel empowered!  i think i WILL apply!

seriously, what the hell? ok, i get the “equal opportunity employer” thing, and maybe this is just a stipulation that goes along with that.  but it sounds so frikkin condescending. we’re “encouraging” you to apply.  you might just need that little nudge.  thanks, but i’ll apply for whatever the hell jobs i feel like. i don’t need you to give me your blessing.

here’s some of the stuff i’ve been up to.

More writing on hubpages.  The first is a four part series about what “really” happens to your resume/reel when you apply for a job at a TV station - usually they find their way quickly into the trash.  BUT , you’ll find there is HOPE!!  drawing on my (vast =) experience in the broadcasting industry, i talk about some things you can do to better the odds.

and then … in case you work in TV (or want to, or just find it somewhat interesting, or for some reason read my blog), and don’t know if you’re more of a oklahoma girl or a NYC babe, i wrote a discerning two part series on the pros and cons of starting in big market TV, vs starting in small market TV.

enjoy my expertise!!

32 kids dying at the hands of some crazed, loner gun man (allegedly) is not something to be happy about. but this monumental tragedy made me truly realize how greatful i am to no longer work in mainstream news.

i have a feeling i know pretty well what’s been going on in newsrooms across the country, from CNN to affiliates in Small Town, USA.  they’ve been figuring out how to provide wall-to-wall coverage, and pretty often grasping at straws.  i’m not saying this shouldn’t be addressed.  and i’m not saying the people in those newsrooms don’t care about what’s happened.  but i was a breaking news girl at one point, too, and watching this all unfold on TV brought back all those memories of scrambling around, rushing to get a story to air.

the victims of the shooting deserve to be remembered.  family, friends, and students need an outlet to express their grief.  the country should see what happened so we can all mourn together.  of course that’s all true.  but it’s what happens between all that that i wonder about sometimes.  having every single anchor on staff (practically) on location?  bringing in so-called experts to analyze what may have happened? bringing in Dr. Phil to analyze what may have happened? trying to illicit staged responses out of students and victims?  branding everything “breaking news” two days after the initial event?  branding it at all - with clever graphics and artsy re-opens? these are the things that cause a media circus.

and i can just visualize what the local stations are doing (fortunately i don’t have a TV at home, so i dont’ feel obligated to find out) - they’re looking for that famed, elusive “local tie.”  the cousin of the girlfriend of the roomate who’s friend was in the building where the shootings happened.  the family waiting by the phone, wondering about the latest update on their wounded neice or nephew.  “we found someone who knows someone, but they’re not at home, what should we do?!”  “get them on the phone in the sound booth and tell master to roll on it!”  “get the chopper up over their house and have them nextel us the second they see someone!”  (ok, i made that last one up, i’ve never actually HEARD anyone say that, but i’m not putting it out of the realm of possibility).

this is kind of how i’d been living for the past few years (which on the grand scale of careers is really nothing, i suppose).  the more breaking news alerts we had, the more live remote interviews we set up, the more reporters were out on the scene, the more people we had that were willing to talk - on cam, in studio, on the phone, live, on tape, sound cut down, entire press coferences - GIVE ME ALL OF IT!!! - i even had a news director who would let me run a half-hour newscast overtime, and into scheduled programming, if the content was “truly compelling.” (so much for backtiming …) i truly wanted to get the best story out to the viewers (and i still do - and i’m sure most broadcasters do as well) - but i got caught up in the culture of the newsroom.

i didn’t realize until this tragedy, that i had been losing the ablity to feel truly sad at someone else’s pain.  i could think to myself, “that’s sad.”  but it’s like i couldn’t formulate the proper emotional response.  i suppose working in the media -network, cable or current - will do that to you.  but now, i have the opportunity to connect the viewer to the people who were actually there, to let them hear the victims speak their mind for seven minutes - not 7 seconds.  and THIS makes me truly happy.

From Broadcasting to Boardroom

That title isn’t completely accurate since I’m technically still in the broadcasting industry, but it kind of describes the shift I’ve felt over the past year. I was reading about how women typically don’t make as much as men (no shocker there, really), and the author was contending sometimes women don’t put up a fight for that extra three or five grand because they think - that much money isn’t that big a deal, it’s not worth the hassle.  But in ten years, that can be the difference between an extra few years of work (I’m not being totally accurate, but that was the basic point).  I am TOTALLY guilty of thinking that way - so this article got me thinking about how I ended up there - it has a lot to do with the mentality that was cultivated through some of my past jobs.

I started out in small market news.  I was making less than 20 grand. I went to work for a station I’d interned at throughout college, and I figured (this is how they get ya!), some money was better than an unpaid internship, even if my hourly pay worked out to about minimum wage.  Plus I was doing what I loved, which made it a lot easier to swallow.  Then I accepted a similar job at a similar station, making a little more, and I was thrilled.  Again, I didn’t negotiate a salary, since I was happy to get over that 20-grand hump.  Of course, after working 12 hour days and overnights, doing two - sometimes three - people’s work, all for little or no reward, I began to think asking for more wasn’t such a bad idea.

At this point also, you have to understand, the money in TV is shit.  Unless you’re at a network level as an anchor, you’re scraping by.  On the lower levels, it really doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or girl, on-air or behind the scenes, 19 grand is 19 grand is 19 grand.  I felt gypped but hey, we ALL felt gypped. Plus, we were “doing what we loved,” so we all took it. If we didn’t, there were 20 thousand recent college grads that would. That’s the mentality I had.

It was also the same mentality that led me to believe (and rightfully so) that I could do the best at the job I was in, but that was pretty much it.  In that type of TV news, moving up in markets is pretty much all you have, unless you want to make the jump to news director - but I never did.  I had almost NO business mind-set (except for the little tidbits Ryan tried to teach me).  Sure, news is a business. DEFINITELY.  But all the business-type stuff takes place in corporate offices at the companies that own the affiliates, or at the network itself, if you’re owned by them.  At the very least, it goes on the in the sales offices of the affiliates - where the news people never venture.  I thought I’d produce news forever - hopefully in a bigger market, maybe at a talk show, maybe as an executive producer.  I ADORED my career, but for what I wanted to do, there really wasn’t a corporate ladder to climb.

Then I moved to the big city. After freelancing at the big networks, proving to myself that I could hack it, making more than twice what my pay had been before, then realizing I didn’t want to go into work at midnight or 3 am for the rest of my life, I ditched network news for a hip, green, cable company start up.

There are things I miss about network news, but I’ve never looked back. I’m still in the TV biz, and working at a relatively new start-up (albeit, with an already-huge staff, and amazing funding and sales) is at once exhausting and rewarding, frustrating and perfect.  I’ve been here for almost 8 months, and that initial new-job “glow” has worn off a little, but never been completely tarnished.

Anyway, working at an actual “business” - with presidents, SVPs, directors and coordinators - that’s still trying to find its feet, presents amazing opportunities.  I’m not pegged in to one job, and it took me a while to realize that.  As our company grows, I can assume more responsibility.  I can pitch creative ideas that actually get accepted and encouraged.  I can dream as big as I want to, and as long as I back it up with a proposal, someone will at least give the pitch more than just a cursory glance.  I have bosses I love (shocking!), who I strive to learn from and emulate (even more shocking!).  I’ve started looking at this as more than just a job, and realize the opportunity I have to move up and on to things I didn’t even know I could or wanted to be.

So, to bring this back to getting paid … when I got this job, I did just accept what was offered me, while also telling my boss what I’d like to be making in the near future - which was a big step for me.  I guess, even though I’ve always been a career girl, now I’m taking more initiative with that career.  I’m becoming more of a business girl.  I meet with my boss to discuss my ideas and goals.  I write proposals (a year ago, I didn’t even know what a proposal was…).  I’m increasing my value, so when the time comes that I ask for more money (something I still hate to do); I’ll actually get it.

i hesitated writing this for a couple reasons. for one, i guess it’ll show i’m a little sentimental and not 100% cynical, and i’m not completely ok with showing that (small) side of me. it took hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars spent on therapy for me to even admit i *have* that side. also, i’m going to quote song lyrics, and i’m not a 14 year old highschool girl. plus those lyrics are by the dixie chicks. but what the hell, i am what i am.

i’ve listened to this song more than i care to admit because it really strikes something within me. oddly, several of the songs on the dixie chicks’ new album have had that affect on me, but i’ll save those for later.

this particular one made me think of my relationship with ryan:

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

i kind of pride myself on being the a-typical girl, and in some ways i think i am. “feelings” make me uncomfortable, i hate valentine’s day and forced sentiment, i don’t like to cuddle, i need my own time - and for the most part ryan and i do our own thing during the week, and set aside specific time on the weekends to spend together. it’s taken us awhile to figure out what works for us - not what we WANT to work for us, but what REALLY works. and it’s an evolving work in process.

but on the flip-side, i’m kind of a walking girl-cliche. i want to be taken care of. for all my show of independence, career-oriented-mentality, and woman power, i still want someone i can fall back on. i thank my dad for that, since - although i’m married and in my 20’s - i still consider myself a daddy’s girl. he was always willing to go out of his way to make life a little easier for his girls - my mom included.

i probably sound crazy, spoiled, and naive. but in some ways, i’m ok with that. and that’s why the song brings me back to my sentimental side. ryan and i have an intense, and at times volitile, relationship. part of it is immaturity at times, and part of it is just who we are as people and as a couple. but he’s my haven because he always has my back. he understands that i’m i’m crazy, spoiled and naive. he knows that i’ll work a 12 hour day to get ahead (well, ok, because i have to), but still expect him to do our taxes and deal with the finances. i know he works hard - in part because he does enjoy it - to assure we can live the quality of life we want to live - now, AND in 20 years. and really, i don’t know the half of the time and effort he invests into investments, side projects, work and more. it’s part of how he keeps the world at bay for me. it’s hard for me to verbalize how i feel about that - which is why i’ll just let the dixie chicks do it for me.